Have we become so preoccupied with ourselves that we are forgetting about each other?
Self-care is everywhere. We are encouraged to look after ourselves, protect our energy, establish boundaries, prioritise our needs and become more attuned to our emotional wellbeing. None of this is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, for people who have spent much of their lives putting everyone else first, learning to look after themselves can be genuinely transformative.
But I sometimes wonder whether we have taken the idea a little too far.
Somewhere along the way, looking after ourselves seems to have become an increasingly individual pursuit. We spend a great deal of time thinking about how we feel, what we need, what we deserve and what we should no longer tolerate. We examine our relationships, monitor our emotional responses and become increasingly conscious of protecting our own wellbeing.
Again, there is value in this. But what happens when the focus becomes so inward that we lose sight of what is happening around us?
I wonder whether, in our enthusiasm for self-care, we have become a little too preoccupied with ourselves.
The individual at the centre of everything
We live in a culture that places considerable emphasis on the individual. Personal happiness, personal growth, personal boundaries, personal fulfilment. Even our language around relationships can sometimes sound like a negotiation about what we are getting out of them.
There is a growing tendency to evaluate our experiences according to how they make us feel. Does this relationship serve me? Is this friendship giving me what I need? Am I getting enough back? Is this person having a positive effect on my mental health?
These are not unreasonable questions. Some relationships are harmful, and recognising that is important. Boundaries matter, particularly when we have spent years struggling to establish them.
But relationships are not always comfortable, convenient or reciprocal in the ways we might like. Sometimes people need more from us than they can give back. Sometimes we have to make allowances, show patience or put our own preferences aside.
If we begin to measure every interaction against its contribution to our personal wellbeing, we risk losing something important about what it means to be in relationship with another person.
Connection requires more than finding people who make us happy. It also requires a willingness to show up for people when things are difficult.
The importance of looking beyond ourselves
There is something to be said for the old idea that we should not think less of ourselves, but think of ourselves less.
I have always found that a rather interesting distinction. It is not an invitation to neglect ourselves, ignore our needs or return to a way of living in which our own wellbeing comes last. It is simply a reminder that we do not have to make ourselves the centre of every experience.
There is a great deal of psychological value in looking beyond our own immediate concerns. Altruism, generosity, compassion and helping others can give us a sense of purpose and connection that is difficult to manufacture through individual self-improvement alone. Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do for our own wellbeing is to stop thinking about our wellbeing for a while.
That might mean checking in on a friend who is having a difficult time, volunteering, making an effort with a neighbour or simply being present with someone without immediately turning the conversation back towards ourselves.
It might mean listening without waiting for our turn to speak, or offering support without expecting anything in return.
These are ordinary things, but they matter. They remind us that we are part of something bigger than our individual lives.
We need each other
I am drawn to the idea that connection is not simply something that happens to improve our mental health. It is something that gives life meaning in its own right. We often talk about loneliness as though it is a problem that can be solved by helping individuals become more confident, more resilient or better at socialising. But perhaps we also need to ask what kind of society we are creating, and how much room we are making for one another.
Community is not built by everyone independently pursuing their own happiness. It is built through participation, generosity, compromise and a willingness to take some responsibility for the people around us. And this is not always particularly glamorous. It can involve inconvenience, frustration and doing things we would rather not do. It means recognising that other people have needs, histories and difficulties that are every bit as real as our own.
There is a difference between having boundaries and building walls. There is a difference between knowing your worth and believing that everyone else must continually demonstrate theirs to you. Perhaps we need to be a little more careful not to confuse the two.
What does this mean for our wellbeing?
I am not suggesting that we abandon self-care. Nor am I suggesting that people should tolerate unhealthy relationships or sacrifice their own needs in the name of being a good person. But I do think it is worth questioning the idea that wellbeing is primarily an individual project.
We can spend years trying to become happier, healthier, more emotionally intelligent and more self-aware. These things can be worthwhile. But they are not the whole picture. We also need to ask what we contribute to the lives of others. Whether we make time for people. Whether we are generous with our attention. Whether we can sit with someone else's discomfort without needing to fix it or escape it.
Perhaps a meaningful life is not one in which we have successfully eliminated every source of personal discomfort. Perhaps it is one in which we have found something, and someone, worth occasionally putting our own comfort aside for. And perhaps that is where self-care and care for others meet.
Not in thinking less of ourselves, but in thinking of ourselves less.
A gentle reflection
Perhaps it is worth occasionally stepping back from the constant focus on ourselves and considering the part we play in other people's lives.
We might ask ourselves:
Am I making enough room for other people, or am I becoming increasingly absorbed in my own needs?
When was the last time I did something for someone without expecting anything in return?
Can I tolerate the occasional inconvenience of being there for someone else?
Am I investing as much in my relationships as I am in my personal growth?
What might change if I spent a little less time thinking about how to improve my life and a little more time thinking about how I contribute to the lives of others?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life. We should all have the opportunity to pursue that.
But perhaps we sometimes overlook the fact that a good life is not something we build entirely for ourselves. It is something we build with other people.
We need to be cared for, but we also need to care. We need to feel understood, but we also need to make an effort to understand. And while looking after ourselves matters, so does looking beyond ourselves. Because ultimately, we are not here simply to work on ourselves. We are here to live, to connect and to be part of one another's lives.